21/02/2021
I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's for me to heal. I want to tell you all the things I've ever wanted to tell you. Maybe I've told you some of this a100 times, maybe l haven't told you some of it at all. But today all of this needs telling so here I am.
I loved you, I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I loved you so deeply there was never a doubt. I loved you for the person you were, I loved you for you brought out the best in me. Admonished me in ever so gentle ways when I went wrong. I loved it that you put me right. I loved the bond we shared. I loved how comfortable we were around each other... And then everything changed. Until I didn't know who you were anymore. I searched and searched but couldn't find you. Bit by bit I lost you until I couldn't reach you anymore. It broke my heart. Broke me to bits. I tried, I reached out, I clawed, I struggled, trying to hold on to something, somewhere. Nowhere, nothing. You were gone. Far away, I couldn't reach you. Your soul wouldn't connect with me anymore. We could be together and yet not be there. It hurt. It hurt so bad. The pain became a constant ache in my throat. I couldn't speak it, I couldn't swallow it, I couldn't keep it.
I have two regrets, I don't mind laying bare.
One when you sought me, saying you feel empty, I didn't care. I said each of us needs to look after our own soul. A blunder, what was the companionship for, if not to be held and to hold?
Second, we missed our prayers. We went far away from Him and in the process from each other.
These my regrets are which I accept, take responsibility for. That He may guide aright. For unless we take the responsibility we will not be guided right.
Hence there's no going back to that moment in time. There's no going back to mend. The decision was made, the chapter closed. Now it's time to turn the page...
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