28 January, 2017

Confessions of a Mommy

Confessions of a Mommy

As excited as I was to be a mom for the 1st time in my life, I had decided that I wouldn't be the usual mommy types whose lives change completely once they have the baby. I'd observed mothers who had dreams and ambitions in their lives before the baby but didn't pursue them once the baby was born because then it was ALL about the baby! I had even noticed some of them who were really loving and romantic with their husbands before the baby, had no time whatsoever for that same husband anymore. And the husband started becoming like a burden rather than a solace that he was meant to be. In short, to me, it felt like there was no fun anymore in their lives outside the baby. And I took a firm decision that I wouldn't be one of them! So when Imaan was born, I tried to be a 'matter of fact mommy'. Someone who cares for all her needs of course, but emotionally, as much as I loved her, I was very cautious of not letting her take over my entire life.

But all that changed when I HAD to leave her behind and go for hajj. It was only for a little more than 2 weeks. But boy! I missed her TERRIBLY! It was as though the life had been sucked out of me... There is no place on this earth that I'd rather be than these two holy places, and I WAS happy... yet... somewhere in my heart there was a lingering sadness and longing... whenever I saw ANY girl child of whatever age, that would make me imagine Imaan. If they were younger than her then age, then it would bring back all the memories of her when she was littler... if they were older, then I would imagine how would she be when she reaches that age.. THAT was the moment of realization! I realized that for all the struggles I took to be a 'matter of fact mommy', and in spite of my notion that I had become successful at that, I had NOT become successful and had not become a 'matter of fact mommy' after all... I was one who dreamed of being the kind of mommy who goes 'honeymoon' with her husband every year leaving her kids behind, I was one who argued with other moms that it WAS necessary to keep the fizz in the marriage - some time off without the kids and just the husband. But I realized that, if I couldn't *happily* leave her behind for the sake of my Creator, then I wont be able to do it for ANYTHING else in this world. There... I gave up my struggle to become that 'matter of fact mommy' i'd dreamed of and submitted to the natural instincts of motherhood...
No, she did not invade my entire life, like I'd feared. I realized that there's a difference between letting her invade my life and letting her fill up my life... and it was a simple choice that I had to make... and I simply chose the latter... I let her fill up my life by being the reason to make it more meaningful, more beautiful.. and to fill it up with more dreams, more ambitions and more goals... I discovered that I could be the mommy who can have the priceless luxury of being a "normal" mommy all at the same time being the person I've always wanted to be and more...

And this realization... I realize is one of the million priceless gifts that hajj gave me to take back home... and I'd always cherish it  for the rest of my life inshaAllah...

May The Creator of these little darlings make them the coolness of our eyes in this world and assets for us in the hereafter... may they reach the age of maturity and be steadfast upon goodness and obedience to their Creator, thereby making themselves useful and priceless to the world... ameen

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