I was extremely angry with my husband.........

Sister Saba

Toronto 

02/08/2019 

I was extremely angry with my husband and I hated him to the core for being responsible for my loveless marriage. Even though it was my decision to stay in the marriage, I harbored extreme hatred towards him. Passion is in my nature. If I love, I love passionately and so it is with hate too. The doors of my heart for him were permanently shut!

Ironically, my in-laws were the only people who understood me and supported me during this phase, not even my own parents! They had tried their best with their son and had lost hope. They even told me that I shouldn't waste my life and that they'll stand by me whatever decision I take. Meanwhile, I met an Islamic counselor. When he heard my story, he only told me "sister, forgive him!". I was infuriated. I told him this is the least I can do to a man who has wasted my life - hate him! I don't want to let go of that, I want to hold on to that hate for as long as I'd live. He said "but who are you torturing when you do that? Only yourself! Do you think you deserve that? Forgive, sister. Let go. That's the only way you can find happiness and peace in your life. You deserve that. If anyone needs to suffer, its him, not you!"

Even though it made sense at that point, I was still not ready to let go of that hatred. It was as though holding on to it was necessary for me to feel alive. I told him that unless you can prove it to me that Allah expects me to forgive him, I won't be able to. So he gave me the example of the Taif incident in the prophet's life. I told him, "that was the prophet of Allah, you can expect that kind of forgiveness from him but I'm an ordinary person, how does this prove that Allah expects such greatness from me??" He said, "the very fact that Allah played it all out. Do you think Allah didn't know how the prophet would respond to Jibreel's question? And if Allah himself wanted to punish the people of Taif, He would have done that without asking the prophet. He played it out so that for as long as this world exists, there's a message in it to the believers to forgive". That did it for me! I had to surrender!
It was extremely difficult to let go of something which had been a part of me for long, something I believed was the fuel for my existence. But I did! For The One I love, and is and always have been in awe of, I let it go!

I had met this counselor during my short visit to Egypt when we were living in Toronto. I went back with an entirely different me. It was as though I was finally breathing clean unpolluted air. Contrary to what I had believed, it was the absence of that hatred that fuelled my true existence. I had better things to focus on and be happy about. But little did I know that Allah had a huge surprise for me waiting at the Toronto airport, like a gift for what I did for His sake - my husband!

From the time he came to the airport to pick me up that day to this day he is a changed person. I had thought that I'll never be able to love, respect and accept him ever again even if he changes. But it wasn't upto me to decide that, it was upto the Owner of my heart and He opened my heart too.

My dear Muslims, whatever you do, Do it for Allah! He will flabbergast you! I promise!